a colored spectrum

lost frens

i am finally on talking terms with Don again.
after a year plus of cold war... since 2003 Feb we haven't been talking, until last Tues?
alot have happened. i am blaming no one for all those very deep misunderstandings.
anyway, nothing much to talk about now also, except about matters strictly regarding History.

i find some friends fucking weird. really, the warped sort!

when i sent them a frienster testimonial, they reject it! being the frank and direct me, i applaud their positive points and also remind them of their weakness. they reject it. why? coz they only want me to write the best, the most wonderful aspects of them! hey screwed up! wake up your idea! you are not perfect and never would be! face reality and accept your weaknesses and work on them! don't be an ostrich!

then, have this one screwed-up friends, once they have girlfriend already, don't wanna meet me. why? coz scared his girlfriend jealous... nutcase! hey anal! it's not as if we never went out before during JC. and we shared no relationship together! so, why should she get jealous if you are just going out with a normal ex schoolmate? either you are fucked up or you have an obsessive-possissive girlfriend! i just wanna say that, i have always respected and honoured our friendship. if not meeting me ever after just coz you are attached, then i would respect your decisions. good luck!

back-date to last night.

Joshua was feeling rather uncomfortable when i mention about my ex-boyfriends or people whom i dated yet never worked out. he said that wasn't jealous but just uncomfortable. i don't know what is the difference. about my past relationships, i have nothing to feel regretful about, nor feel attached to people of the past. if they were good experiences, then i would still be attached to them. simple logic. if i could, i would wish that one of them would burn in hell, and one of them would be lost in space. if i could turn back time, i would have rejected Jackson and told him that i'm not attracted to him, rather to have wasted his time, his efforts and broke his heart into pieces in the end. for that relationship, i am filled with anguish and guilt. i should never have been together with someone i don't love... then again, Joshua also talks about his ex-girlfriends and girls he dated yet never worked out with often. shalt not elaborate on whom. i don't feel uncomfortable, but a little bit jealous... nevertheless, i would try not to bring up the past so often ever. it makes Joshua uncomfortable, and i should respect his feelings. also, no point talking about them now. all is over.

i admit that i am a confused and silly.

i hardly know what i want, or what i am doing.

posted by Veen @ 08:00